Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Eighth Month or: I Think My Vagina is Broken.

Okay, so, it probably isn't my vagina.
The thing is, physically speaking, I'm about as familiar with myself as Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, before she had that emotional break-through.

What I'm saying is that there are bones in my body that I didn't even know that I had, and now they hurt a lot.
And well, that's where we are.

Things are coming in the mail every day - because, didn't you know?  Living in Hawaii means that everything you want for a child has to come from the internet! - and so that's unnerving.  We just keep unpacking boxes, staring at their contents with our heads cocked for a few minutes, and quietly pushing them into the closet.  I'm hoping parenthood is one of those things that just comes naturally once they send you home from the hospital.

Speaking of hospitals, and how I'm going to die during childbirth, OHMYGODYOUGUYSIAMGOINGTODIEDURINGCHILDBIRTH.
I really don't care that people have been doing this since the beginning of time.  There's just no way.  I've been reading "Natural Childbirth: The Bradley Way," and I just... it's going to be so awful.  There are so many things they don't tell you about pregnancy and labor until it's too late.  Personally, I think that's ridiculous.  Making teenage girls take an L&D class would be the best birth control ever.  AIDS?  Clearly not scary enough.  Start telling them about mucous plugs.  That'll keep their little legs closed until they're 40.  My stomach is turning just thinking about it, and I'm technically an adult.

There was a time in my life when I was capable of talking about more than just the goings on of my uterus, but I sure can't tell you what it entailed.  It's funny how being beaten from the inside constantly sort of gives you tunnel vision.

I know, right?  Three months since my last update and this is all I have to offer you.
I'd blame that "pregnancy brain" phenomenon, but we all know I was just as uninteresting before the hormones.  We have our first "prepared childbirth class" this Saturday, so I'm sure I'll have plenty of terrifying tidbits from that to relay to you guys.

Just under six weeks to go and... I am nowhere near being ready for this.  Yikes.


  1. Fannie, I laugh so loud I think most of my apartment complex (let's be honest, the 30 units in my building) can hear me when I read your posts. Hell, when I just read your stati I bust a gut.

    I've thought it so many times I can't not ask you: have you ever considered writing copy? All the while you were looking for a job I thought, "this chic does NOT need to be sitting behind a mother f*king desk (p.s. do you ever get pissed off about having to have good language with kids around - although I'm sure that's the least of your worries).

    So there it is. Whatever it is you're doing I'm quite sure it's not utilizing your full potential cause you've got it pouring out all over (along with plenty of bodily fluids I'm sure ;)

    This was meant to be some sort of encouraging-like comment to say: you're awesome, be a writer, make your own rules cause you sure as hell can with that "mouth", and uh GO GET 'EM with the whole child bearing thing. I got nothin' there ;-)

  2. I hate you for making me google that.

    To save other people the trouble (and the unfortunate image results google insists on including at the top of the returned pages list): A "mucus plug" is a booger, about the size of a muchtoobig, that comes out of cunt.

  3. You are so funny, Annie! I love reading your blog.